Forgive me if this post is a bit of a stream of consciousness. I’m not sure really how to structure it, but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about since last week…this fear of never having enough money.
See for quite a while now…really up until this month, I somehow got comfortable with making the minimum amount needed to pay rent, buy groceries, cover health insurance, etc., and usually have just a tiny bit left to spend however I wanted. It’s like I got really comfortable as a person who didn’t make a lot of money.
As many of you know, last year’s income was pretty bad. 40k is not a huge amount to live on anywhere, let alone expensive Los Angeles.
The first two months of this year were decent (I basically made the amount I projected based on last year’s income, i.e. shitty), but March has just been incredible income-wise, and April should be great too…
…but for some reason my mind can’t readjust and get comfortable with letting go of the fear of holding on tight for dear life, as if the good times won’t last.
My fear is not completely unfounded you see, because based on the last four years of freelancing, typically things have come to a screeching halt around June/July. It’s like the dog days of summer.
So I found myself the last couple of weeks…whenever I had a break, constantly checking the budget, bank account, my separate online savings account, and calculating my hours so far of work…my projected hours of work, etc., over and over to make sure that I would have enough.
And of course it didn’t help in the middle of all this my car breaks down and I need 3k worth of repairs. Cue obsessing about my budget even more. It’s like I’m afraid to look away…as if constant worry and being super strict and uptight will prevent bad things from happening.
I’ve never been a full believer in The Secret, but maybe there is just a little bit of truth to when you put the energy out there of “lacking,” that’s exactly what you get back. I’ve even gone so far as to create mantras that I repeat when I meditate where I act “as if” I have the very things I’m looking for…”I am happy…I am fulfilled…I look like Angelina Jolie (hee)…I have abundance…etc.” But somehow I think the Universe really knows my dirty little secret…that I really am scared of not having enough!
And I’m not saying it’s not a good idea to be careful just because you start to make a little more than you’re used to…in fact it can be a slippery slope. You let go a little…you start spending…and bam you wonder where all your money went again.
But on Friday I cut a file transfer service out of my budget that I use for work (which is $10/month), because of my now obsessiveness of always trying to cut something out of my budget. When my producer got mad that I was going to use another service which is free (but that he doesn’t particularly like), he insisted I get the one I had back…even saying he would pay the lousy $10/month.
I have to admit that at first I was mad that he insisted I use the old program, but really…$10/month Tonya?!?! I feel like I’ve been now trained to be a massive tightwad!
And now I find myself also taking on too much work, in fear that if I say no, the opportunity won’t come back to me again, and then that decision will haunt me in the dry summer when I actually might have more time…and nothing else going on (even though I promised myself that I’ll only take on big wins this year instead of table scraps). And that leads me to a post I’ll have on Wednesday, which is basically right now I’m ALL WORK and NO PLAY (which makes Tonya a dull girl), (and if you’ve seen The Shining you know how bad that shit can end).
So how do I do it? How do I let go of this fear that things won’t be the same as the last four years, and that I should trust that things will be fine…and that I’ll have plenty of money?
It’s like I need a complete mental re-conditioning!
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