It’s Thursday afternoon and I’m feeling pretty pooped, but in a good way. It’s been one of the most productive weeks I’ve had in awhile…and it feels great checking off a lot of items on my to-do list and tackling some goals this month. I guess my vacation to Utah (which I’ll talk more about Monday) was worth going on, even if money is really tight right now.
Earlier this week, I had a friend email me with a job posting from someone he knew in the Seattle area. It was a producer job overseeing many projects at a video game type company. I’m not sure if you remember, but I was the senior video editor at a video game company for eight years prior to my time as a freelancer. It was my last full-time job, and it was very comfy.
My heart jumped a bit and I excitedly emailed him back asking for him to hook me up with the deets. One of the “deets” in the job description said, “a passion for video games.” Meh whatever, I can ignore that. But it wasn’t just about those words, it was the overall feeling I was getting…and it wasn’t good.
During my trip I was hoping to get some clarity on whether or not I should throw in the towel as a freelancer, and just go back to the way things were in my old life and get a good ol’ J-O-B in television. I have to say that I was disappointed I didn’t get a lightning bolt epiphany while staring out into the deep canyons of Utah’s national parks (unless the lightning bolt was disguised as a rock hitting our windshield or my iPhone getting run over by a car). “Well darn,” I thought, “so much for that!”
But life has a way, as Oprah has so elegantly put a million times, of sending you whispers…probably when you least expect it, telling you what you need to know, and hopefully you pick up on it before the whispers become big ol’ disasters:
It just so happens that I landed on another random podcast from The School of Greatness called How to Fall in Love with Pain: The Key to Resiliency and Success. I beg you to take the time to listen to it, because I’m almost positive you can apply it to some aspect of your life! For me it meant that even though this freelance thing is mega challenging, it’s also so incredibly fulfilling, especially as I continue to try and transition into my own job title and new job descriptions…not just being “Tonya the video editor.” That was whisper #1.
Whisper #2 was an article I stumbled upon called, 11 Celebrities Who Perfectly Sum Up What “Success” Really Means, which in turn led to reading this article. Now I’m not basing all my solid career advice from celebrities, but there was something I got from that article that said to me, “you get to define what career success looks like. Is it just the paycheck and the title, or is it something beyond that like a sense of deep personal fulfillment, and perhaps being of service in some way to the world?” Yes, we all hope that comes with a giant paycheck, but it may not.
During the waiting period of hearing back from my friend, I felt a deep knot in my stomach. Perhaps the Universe decided not to send me sweet nothings, but instead kick me in the gut, because all of a sudden this little voice said, “WTF are you doing Tonya? You really want to go back to working full time in an environment that isn’t remotely what you want to be doing, just for a steady paycheck?” The answer, in short, is no way in hell, so I emailed my friend back and told him I wasn’t interested.
In a way, it’s this little blip from The Moral Bucket List that sums it all up for me:
“But if you live for external achievement, years pass and the deepest parts of you go unexplored and unstructured. You lack a moral vocabulary. It is easy to slip into a self-satisfied moral mediocrity. You grade yourself on a forgiving curve. You figure as long as you are not obviously hurting anybody and people seem to like you, you must be O.K. But you live with an unconscious boredom, separated from the deepest meaning of life and the highest moral joys. Gradually, a humiliating gap opens between your actual self and your desired self, between you and those incandescent souls you sometimes meet.”
It’s just enough of the whisper I need to keep going…
What has life been trying to whisper to you lately?
BTW, whenever I look to the Universe for a sign, I always think of this clip from The Man With Two Brains: