The other day I woke up, and the first thing I did was weigh myself. I do this every couple of days because I’ve been struggling to take off that “last five” for the “last year.”
The numbers had not moved, which is now making me slightly nervous because I’m doing a Diet Bet this month, and I have four days to lose three pounds, or I’m out $100.
Maybe you think I’m being hard on myself, and that’s OK, but the reason I’m not OK with these five pounds is that some non-stretchy clothes have become super tight and/or I literally can’t fit into a few items I have, which I really want to wear! Getting rid of them or buying new stuff is NOT and option or OK with me. So there!
Back to the scale. I did what any reasonable human being would do and literally stomped on the scale out of frustration. “I don’t freaking understand,” I thought to myself. “I’m doing everything I can to lose this weight!!!!!”
“Oh reeeeeeeally?” My inner voice said. “Everything?”
“Yes,” I answered sheepishly.
“Really and truly everything?” She asked again.
“OK fine! I have had just a small piece of chocolate every day. And maybe a big heaping of pesto on my chicken salad the other night. And a mountain of avocado on my sandwich…like, every day. Oh, and a boat-load of hummus off and on about every five minutes, because I truly have a hummus “problem.” And of course a couple salty snacks on Monday.” Dammit!
I love my sweet friends who tell me, “it’s probably muscle” that you’re gaining. I appreciate the compassion, but if I had to be brutally honest with myself, it’s because I’m eating too much…or the wrong stuff occasionally.
“But Tonya, it’s OK to have treats every once in awhile,” you’re probably saying.
I couldn’t agree more, but if I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish for my age and my body type, I can’t be doing that kind of stuff. Period! If I do, I can’t complain about it.
It may be unfair that I was handed down my ancestor’s hefty Hungarian genes, but these are the
carbs cards I was dealt.
And you b*tches best believe I’m going to relate this to money!
Let’s just say that instead of “the last five (pounds)” I want to lose, that I want to pay off the “last $5,000 in debt” (although this is totally hypothetical). All of a sudden an invitation pops up in my text: “We are celebrating Julie’s birthday at (insert expensive restaurant) Saturday night. Hope you can make it!”
I start to have an internal debate. I really like Julie and the rest of the crew celebrating, but dammit, I made a vow that I would do “everything it takes” to pay that $5,000 off as quickly as possible.
I start going through the buts: But it would be so much fun! But my friends would be mad at me for not going! But Julie is a close friend! But I may not ever get invited if I say “no” this time. But I will be depressed staying home on Saturday night…but…but…but…
The next thing I know I’m at Julie’s birthday dinner, splitting a $250 check with five people (because damn straight I’m ordering wine because I’m all depressed about my debt and stuff), feeling 20% happy, and 80% guilty for spending that money and not having enough willpower.
Cut to one month later when I’m opening the bill from Chase and I see that not only has it increased, but all I can afford to pay that month is the minimum amount. I think to myself, “I don’t understand! I’m trying everything I can to pay down my debt!”
How often have you found yourself in a similar situation with anything you are trying to accomplish in life?
Even for those of us who “accept full responsibility” for our lives might struggle with being 100% brutally honest about what we really might be doing to sabotage ourselves.
Cait recently wrote about how she’s still struggles with the urge to self-medicate with food, shopping or drinking when she is going through a rough time. I wrote to her and said I could relate, because at the very least I’ve developed an awareness of triggers that lead me to not being disciplined: boredom, stress, and yes even celebrating something good.
I think I eat not-so-great or too much stuff because I can’t, at that moment, think of another way to release what I’m feeling and/or some kind of action to take place of that urge to grab chocolate. For instance I need to train myself that whenever I get that urge, that the action is to go outside and walk the parking garage stairs. I need to re-wire my brain so that that better pattern becomes a permanent habit.
And by the way, eating chocolate, snacks, hummus, pesto, etc., are not inherently bad things, and neither is splitting the check for your bestie’s birthday dinner. It’s only “bad” when it’s getting in the way of what YOU want to accomplish.
So that’s my confession! I’ll keep plugging away until I find the result I’m looking for.
What do you need to be brutally honest with yourself about?
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